I’m off to Mexico for a week of sun and fun. The best pictures of 2012. And “Who’s On First?” starring Fallon, Crystal and Seinfeld

For the first time since I started this here blog 3 1/2 years ago, I’m taking a full week off from it.

Yep, taking a break for a good reason: My soon-to-be-bride and I are travelling with her family to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, for a week of fun in the sun. When I first heard about the trip opportunity, my initial reaction (being a child of the 1980s) was “Didn’t “The Love Boat” stop there? And wasn’t Puerto Vallarta the trip they always gave away on game shows like “The Joker’s Wild” and “Tic-Tac-Dough?” (Man I love me some Wink Martindale.)

But alas, it’s still around and kicking, so I hope to enjoy some snorkeling, parasailing, and laying around the beach for seven glorious days.

I’ll be back blogging again, probably on New Year’s Day or so. In the meantime, have a wonderful New Year to one and all, and please oh please let them end the NHL lockout while I’m gone.

**Couple more things to leave you with before I go. This was on Jimmy Fallon the other night; the old “Who’s On First” routine that still cracks me up, with some modifications, starring Billy Crystal and Jerry Seinfeld. Funny stuff…

**Finally, can’t leave without sharing some of the great photos on “The Big Picture” gallery of the best of 2012. I’ve linked to their incredible galleries before, and this one doesn’t disappoint.(besides the one above, No. 11, 32, and 35 are my favorites).

Some amazing photographs showing all kinds of human emotion, each one tells a great story.

Good News Friday: The “12-12-12″ concert mostly rocked. A gift idea for your favorite drinker. And Andre Johnson takes kids to Toys R’ Us

Good News comes from all walks of life today, but it starts with one of the most epic concerts I’ve ever seen.

The concert for Sandy Relief, or the “12-12-12″ show at Madison Square Garden Wednesday night, was fantastic, if a little over-packed with old, white dudes who kicked ass through the 70s, 80s, 90s, and the Aughts, and are still rocking in the ’10s (can we call this decade the ’10s? Good).
It went on for about 43 hours (OK, about six), and was filled with highlights and a few lowlights, and raised $30 million from ticket sales and corporate donations so far (they haven’t tallied all the Internet and phone pledges yet).

A few quick-hit thoughts after watching the show:

– Best performances were Bruce Springsteen (never lets a crowd down), Alicia Keys, the Stones, and, much to my surprise, Chris Martin of Coldplay. He did a great duet with Michael Stipe (who looked awful but sounded great), had some funny jokes, and truly seemed honored to be there.

– Worst performances? Adam Sandler blaspheming by doing a version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallejulah” was terrible. I thought the skit with Seth Meyers was awful. And, I expect to get hit by lightning after writing this, but I wasn’t thrilled by Paul McCartney’s performance. He did two “Wings” songs, for God’s sake. “Live and Let Die” was good, as was “Blackbird,” but I dunno, I just didn’t love Sir Paul on this night.

– Wow, was Roger Daltrey’s chest waxed. But he looked and sounded great. Keith Richards, well, I’ve seen corpses that looked better.

– Maybe I’m sensitive as a native New Yorker, but it pissed me off how many celebs claim to be “New Yorkers.” Chelsea Clinton (from Arkansas) and Sandler (from New Hampshire) both claimed to be natives on the show. Just wrong.

– Kanye West’s leather skirt. Ummm, yeah. Great fashion choice. As someone on Twitter said, “Leave him alone. He came straight to the concert from his field hockey game.”

– Crazy that Keys was the only female on the entire show (which someone joked was “a five-hour Cialis commercial.). They couldn’t have gotten Pink, or Sheryl Crow, or Gwen Stefani?

**Next, I have the perfect gift for you if you or someone you love loves beer, and loves keeping their hands warm.

Heard about these on the radio, and then had to see them for myself: An Icelandic company makes beer mittens, so you can hold your Budweiser and keep your digits warm all at the same time.

Bloody brilliant. I don’t even drink beer and I want a pair.

**Finally, one of the good guys of the NFL is Andre Johnson, the world-class wide receiver for the Houston Texans. Every year, Johnson takes a group of at-risk Houston kids and gives them a shopping spree at Toys R’ Us. They have 80 seconds to each grab as much as they can and shove it into a shopping cart.

This year’s spree came to $19,521, which means those kids knew exactly where the big ticket items were. Bravo, Andre. (That’s him with the receipt, above)

A terrific Oscars with Billy C back in charge. And Mormons baptizing Anne Frank posthumously? Very weird

Billy Crystal brought the funny.
Jennifer Lopez brought the wow.
And Meryl Streep brought the love from everyone.
One year after a pretty miserable Oscars hosted by two people who had no idea what they were doing, Billy Crystal and Hollywood kicked some serious butt last night at the Academy Awards.
As always, yours truly was taking notes and gathering comments from the peanut gallery.
– Sunday was the first time I ever attended an Oscars party, and it was super fun. Some friends of my girlfriend host a gala every year at their gorgeous NYC apartment, and it was super fun. There was a pool, some theme food (I particularly liked the Eggstremely Loud and Incredibly Toast) and good mocking all around.

– I thought Billy Crystal was terrific, though oddly he laughed at his own jokes a few times. His opener was hilarious, most of his jokes were spot-on (his political joke was funny, as was most of his banter with the stars in the crowd), and he kept the show moving. He sounded a little under the weather, which was unfortunate. Still, I thought he was great.

–Those Cirque de Soleil people were fantastic. Many at our party went “wow” at the contortions they were doing. Gotta see that show live one of these days.
– Jennifer Lopez. Wow. It seems like only at awards shows do I remember how beautiful she is. Thought Clooney’s girlfriend Stacy Kiebler, and Tina Fey looked particularly fetching, too. As did Viola Davis.
– So happy Meryl Streep won her third Oscar (her speech is at this link), and first in 29 years. Yeah, maybe Viola Davis deserved it, too, but Meryl has been so good for so long that I’m glad she got another moment in the sun. She’s the finest actor, male or female, in America. And a genuinely nice person from Jersey, too.
– Line of the night from one of the guys in our party: “Nick Nolte could walk right from the red carpet into the Death Montage.” Man, Nick looked bad.

– Very sweet speech by the guy who won for “A Separation,” from Iran. Thought it was interesting that as he was speaking, the cameras flashed right to Steven Spielberg, one of the most famous Jews in Hollywood.
– I thought Emma Stone was trying way too hard. But the “Bridesmaids” ladies were very funny.
– Chris Rock killed in his two minutes on stage. I wish they’d let him host again.

– Finally, though Streep’s win was one of the only “upsets” of the night, I actually liked the pacing of the show this year. Some of the interludes were interesting and I’m glad they didn’t subject us to 9 Best Picture vignettes. Good stuff all around.

**I don’t quite know what to say about this story, except to just present it and let you try to figure it out. For at least the 10th time, the Mormon Church has decided to posthumously baptize Anne Frank into the church. Yes, that Anne Frank, the famous Holocaust child who hid in the attic, then died in a concentration camp, has been baptized into the Mormon church.

Offensive and bizarre on so many levels. To try to use Anne Frank as a prop to proselytize about your religion is just ridiculous and wrong.
Would love to hear Mitt Romney weigh in on this one.

 

Billy Crystal’s back at the Oscars, whoo-hoo! On 11/11, it was about Spinal Tap. And Jon Stewart slays ‘em again.

Billy Crystal is back hosting the Oscars.
This is wildly exciting for me. For my money, Billy C has been the best host of any awards show, ever. From his skits at the beginning of each Oscar telecast he’s hosted, to the hilarious jokes during the show (the Jack Palance telecast was a highlight), Billy just gets it. He knows how to tweak celebrities and keep the show moving.

During last year’s telecast, I briefly became Nostradamus. As Anne Hathaway and James Franco were tanking, I put out a missive on Facebook saying this show desperately needed Billy. Not 10 minutes later, he came out to do a hilarious five minutes.
Can’t wait for this year’s show.

The People of Facebook (I love that that sounds like a country, as in: “The People of Facebook decided to elect a new leader today…”) decided that there was no one better to honor on 11/11/11 than Nigel Tufnel, the character Christopher Guest played in the classic movie “This is Spinal Tap.”

He is honored, of course, because he uttered the famous line “These go to 11″ when talking about his fancy new amplifier. (And that scene above, stick with it through the Stonehenge prop comes down, just kills me every time).
And so the fine people at the Washington Post put together a “Top 11″ Nigel Tufnel quotes. Enjoy.

**Jon Stewart, taking on this week’s GOP debate with his typical hilarity. I laughed many, many times, especially at the Friendly’s reference. Truly astounding at how bad the Republican field is this time around.

Paul Krugman nails the media, accurately. A strange story of a woman who disappeared in her own home. And Lochte slays Phelps in the pool.

This is one of my biggest complaints about the national media in the past 15 years: They are constantly putting forth this “false equivalency.” What I mean is, even if one side of the story is SO clearly making more sense, and more truthful, than the other side, the Wolf Blitzers and Brian Williamses of the world present both sides as if they’re exactly the same.
And it drives me up a freaking wall (as it does Bill Maher, who frequently rails about it on his show). It’s happening now with this debt ceiling crisis, as Barack Obama has bent over backwards and then back again trying to get a deal done, offering everything but naming Sasha Obama’s first-born child John.
Meanwhile, the Republicans, who have once again successfully moved the middle of the debate so far to the right that it only looks like the middle because they’ve taken such an extreme position (you followed all that, right?), refuse to budge on anything.
And yet, the media continues to portray this as a civil disagreement between two sides.
Paul Krugman, the brilliant New York Times columnist, put up a blog post Tuesday that sums this up perfectly. Check it out please; he makes the point far more eloquently than I could.

**And now, for no particular reason except that I stumbled upon it on YouTube Tuesday night, is Billy Crystal, as Sammy Davis Jr., from the 1980s. People forget how utterly brilliant Billy was:

The best stories are the ones you can get lost in.
They may not have the most profound meaning or carry the most important news of the day, but they suck you in and make you think about how things happen.

Michael Kruse, a very talented writer for the St. Petersburg Times (who is leaving the paper soon for a new gig, I hear) wrote this heartbreaking story about a woman in Brevard County, Fla. named Kathryn Norris, who died in her house and wasn’t discovered for 16 months.
She literally, as Kruse writes, “went missing inside her own home.” It’s a really good story that’s worth your time today.

**Finally, my man Ryan Lochte, a six-time Olympic medalist in swimming who I covered (fairly obsessively) for four years at the Daytona Beach News-Journal, scored another huge win over Michael Phelps Tuesday. At the FINA World Championships he beat Phelps in the 200 freestyle final, the third time he’s beaten the greatest swimmer ever in the last year.
Lochte is ascending, while Phelps is finally coming down from the mountain. It’s been so cool to watch this rivalry develop the last few years, as Lochte got closer and closer to Phelps’ heels. For the moment, he’s definitely caught him.
My last story for my old newspaper (sniff, sniff) ran last Sunday, a profile of Lochte previewing this week’s worlds. If you’re a swimming fan, check it out here, and here’s video of the race:

Billy Crystal, everywhere all of a sudden. And the 55-hour tennis match finally ends

Billy Crystal has always been one of my favorite comedians, and not just because we’re both short, balding Jewish guys from Long Island.
He was hilarious on “Saturday Night Live,” and to this day I can quote some of his legendary “Frankie and Willie” skits with Christopher Guest (“Man, I hate when that happens,” I know what you mean.” 
He also, of course, has starred in the funniest movies ever, including two on my Top 10 favorite comedies, “When Harry Met Sally (“Baby Fish Mouth!”) and “City Slickers” (“Hey Curly, kill anyone today?” “Day ain’t over yet.”)
Anyway, I love me some Billy Crystal, and all of a sudden he seems to be everywhere again. He was on “The Daily Show” last night promoting his new Funny or Die Video, which is pretty damn hilarious. Check it out here:

 

**Here’s something I’ll remember the next time I’m complaining about being tired during a two-hour tennis match.
Two teenagers named Sam Angel and Katie Martens, who live in Missoula, Montana, played the longest match in recorded history last week, competing against each other for 55 hours, 55 minutes and 55 seconds in an attempt to set a new Guinness Book of Records mark (they got it.)
My favorite part of the story, and really I loved all of it, is this sentence:  “Ray Angel, Sam’s father, noticed that his son was making no sense verbally and wasn’t responding well physically around dinnertime Sunday.”
This story was so amazing to me, that I called the reporter who wrote it Wednesday, a guy named Jamie Kelly, and he filled me in on even more wacky details.
He said the duo never stopped playing to eat, but that their parents and friends would bring them food out on the court while they continued to play (making a two-handed backhand kinda difficult). Kelly told me that according to Guinesss rules, they were entitled to five-minute breaks every hour, but if they didn’t take them, they could save them up and use 15-minutes all at once, for example.
Kelly also said that nurses were on hand to check Sam and Katie’s vital signs, and during breaks they soaked their feet in crushed ice.
“I tried to interview Sam during one of the breaks,” Kelly told me, “but he couldn’t really respond too well.”
Both Katie and Sam are recovering nicely and didn’t suffer any long-term damage from this insane record.
Me? All I kept thinking about when I first read the story was this “Brady Bunch” episode when Bobby and Cindy set the teeter-totter record. A classic episode, if you ask me:

Me and the Game Show Network, together at last. And the funniest take on Arizona’s new law

It doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Through most of my childhood, and then early adulthood, one television genre made me deliriously joyous. Not movies on HBO. Not sports on  ESPN.

Game Shows. And when it came out, the Game Show Network! I have an unnatural love for game shows, dating back to watching “The Price is Right” at home with my grandparents when I was home sick (“why is Bob Barker such a bad golfer?” I would ask, to blank stares.)

I loved “The Joker’s Wild” and the bizarre three prizes you would get in the bonus round. I loved “Tic Tac Dough,” especially the way Wink Martindale would say “Correct!” to the contestants (following a dramatic pause, of course).

 I worshipped “Card Sharks,” and “Press Your Luck,” and of course, “Sale of the Century,” which my friend Marc Feigelson and I agreed was the best show ever.

My ultimate No.1 fave, though, was always “$25,000 Pyramid. Dick Clark, a couple of random celebrities (please welcome Susan Ruutan and Burt Reynolds!), and fantastic clues in the bonus round (“things that are moist,” was always fun).

Anyway, I bring all this up now because my long national nightmare is over. After living in two successive locales that did not get the Game Show Network on their cable systems, Bright House Networks here in Central Florida finally added it yesterday.

Give me Gene Rayburn in horrible suits! (can you imagine if they had HD  Show me Richard Dawson kissing all the women on “Family Feud!” (which by the way, is a Facebook game now that I”m pretty addicted to). Bring me the head of Chuck Woolery on “Scrabble!”

I watched three episodes of “$25,000 Pyramid” and its illegitimate cousin, “$100,000 Pyramid” Friday morning. There was even one episode where Nipsey Russell AND Vicki Lawrence were on (if you were fans of the show, you know that’s like having Joe DiMaggio and Lou Gehrig in the same lineup. Those two were fantastic).

I am a happy man.

**And now, the greatest “Pyramid” player of all time. Not Nipsey Russell. Not Betty White. The legendary Billy Crystal, who is to the Winner’s Circle what Secretariat was to horse racing (hey, it’s Kentucky Derby day, thought I’d go with a horse analogy there).

Watch and marvel:

**Finally, there are a lot of things being written and said about Arizona’s new immigration law. I have plenty of thoughts on it, but that’s for another day. For now, I leave you with this hilarious “story” from the great Sportspickle.com, a sports humor web site:

Arizona outfielder Gerardo Parra pulled from lineup for looking quite Mexican

Arizona Diamondbacks outfielder Gerardo Parra was pulled out of the batter’s box during his first plate appearance last night after several Arizona fans reported to stadium police that Parra looked suspiciously Mexican.

“Under the new state law, we have to follow up on these things,” said a stadium security spokesman. “And it’s good we did. He didn’t have the required paperwork.”

Parra told police he is from Venezuela, not Mexico, but had no official identification on him at the plate. “His wristbands had his name on them, but that’s not good enough,” said arresting office Lt. Michael Dellesardo. “It’s pretty easy to get fake wristbands these days.”

Parra was arrested on the field and is now awaiting a deportation hearing. Arizona manager AJ Hinch replaced Parra in the lineup with Cole Gillespie. “Cole is our fourth outfielder and has great potential,” said Hinch. “Because he’s white.”

The hilarious Brian Williams, a big product endorsement, and a little Barry M.

When you think of great funny men of our time, we all can agree on the same basic list.

Jerry Seinfeld. Chris Rock. Billy Crystal. Brian Williams.

Yes, the same Brian Williams who hosts the “NBC Nightly News.” Seriously, dude is really funny. I’ve seen him on “The Tonight Show” a few times, and then this past weekend he was on my favorite NPR show, Wait Wait, Don’t Tell me.”

Guy just has great comic timing, is smart and self-deprecating, and just comes off in a funny way. Here, take a listen for yourself.

***My own tennis update! I maintained my undefeated record in the Greater Volusia Tennis League Men’s 4.0 division Monday night. My partner Keith and I, who I’ve only played with a handful of times, totally destroyed our doubles foes, 6-2, 6-2. I’m now 5-0 in doubles on the season, thank you very much. Tennis players out there, you know when you’re in the zone and you expect every shot to go in, and you’re genuinely surprised when they don’t?

I was there Monday night. One other thing: The guys we played seemed nice, but even though we repeatedly praised their good shots, they never once said “nice shot” or anything when Keith or I hit a winner. That’s just poor court manners.

**OK, you may be asking yourself why there’s a picture of Arnold’s Whole Grain bread up there. I’ll tell you why. Not only is this stuff fantastic to eat, but my own accidental little experiment over the last few weeks has proven one more thing: This stuff does NOT go bad.

I accidentally bought a loaf of this delicious bread a day after thinking I was out, only to discover that I had a whole full loaf already in the fridge. Well, let me tell you, I figured it’d be a race against mold (bread’s arch-enemy, like The Joker is to Batman) with my bread. I figured there’s no way both loaves would survive.

But let me tell you my friends, it’s been more than three weeks and this bread is still going strong! I’m nearly finished with it and not one drop of green stuff anywhere.

Arnold Bread people, I bow to your fresh greatness.

**OK, two things in this week’s Sports Illustrated I’m compelled to share. One, Joe Posnanski’s excellent profile of Joe Paterno. I’m biased because I think Joe Pos is the greatest thing since, well, since Arnold 12 Grain Bread, but this truly is a great story about an old lion of a football coach.

The second thing, and this completely cracked me up: Remember the clip of that 9-year-old hockey kid in Boston who scored that crazy goal? Anyway, his name is Oliver Wahlstrom, and he was asked if he’ll honor the sudden autograph requests he’s getting.

“I don’t know. I’m still printing.”

Classic.

Finally, I realize that I’ve been doing this blog for three months and have yet to share one my all-time musical favorites with you. I’ve been roundly mocked for loving this man, but dammit, listen to this and tell me he’s not incredibly talented!

Finally, Jets kick the Patriots’ butt. And a word on the Emmys (and cockroaches)

Nine years I’ve been waiting to see this sight.

Nine goddamn years I’ve been waiting to see Tom Brady leaving the Meadowlands with his head down. Nine years I’ve been waiting to see Bill Belichick, who I will never, ever forget should’ve been the New York Jets coach before he wussied out and quit after one day, running off the field in shame.

Yes, it’s been a long time since my beloved Green and White defeated the evil New England Patriots at home. Man what a great Sunday it was, as the Jets won, 16-9. A punishing, aggressive, harassing defense tortured the heck out of Giselle Bundchen’s husband, holding him to three measly field goals.

Guys like Bart Scott and Darrelle Revis and David Harris and Lito Sheppard and Shaun Ellis (really, the whole Jets defense played great) got after Brady and the Pats’ receivers all day long. Did the Jets greatly benefit from Wes Welker not playing? Of course. Welker is awesome. But the Jets’ defense was superb in all areas. Revis, in particular, totally shut down Randy Moss, and unlike in some games in his past, it looked like Moss was trying.

And the offense? It was good enough. I was a little worried about Mark Sanchez in the first half, but the kid turned it up. You don’t understand how nice it is for a Jets fan to see a quarterback zip the ball into receivers; after the last seven post-Vinny Testaverde years, we just haven’t seen that.

I was, of course convinced that after Jets coach Rex Ryan stupidly tried to throw the ball on 3rd and 3 with 2:30 left in the game and the Jets holding a 16-9 lead (come on Rexie, it’s 3rd and 3, a toss to Leon and we get the first down and the game’s over!), that Brady was going to march down the field and tie it.

What’s funny is that after the game, Bart Scott said he knew that’s what Jets fans were thinking (hey, just because he’s new doesn’t mean he doesn’t know the pathetic history of our franchise!). But dammit the Jets D stepped up and stopped the Pats.

I know, I know, the Jets are 2-0, and they’re in first place in the AFC East, but I’ve been down this road too many times before to get too excited. But you have to love how this team is playing: Aggressive, smart, tackling well (best Jets tackling team since the Parcells years) and making enough plays to win.

Good stuff.

Couple more NFL-related thoughts from a pretty awesome Week 3:

**Something’s just not right yet with Tom Brady. Maybe rust from all the time off, or his receivers aren’t good enough, but something isn’t clicking. As you can imagine, my heart’s bleeding for the guy.

** Chad Johnson (I refuse to call him by his stupid other name), you’re a wimp for only doing the Lambeau Leap into the arms of a Bengals fan in Green Bay. But damn impressive win for the Cincy boys.

**OK, you go gamble on the NFL: Houston scores seven points, all on defense, against the Jets last week. Then, against Tennessee, one of the best defenses in the league, the Texans score 34.

**Couple of real good late games, Pittsburgh-Chicago and San Diego-Baltimore. The Bears, well, they downright stole that win, thanks to Jeff Reed missing a couple of field goals he normally makes. And the Chargers, well, they absolutely, positively should’ve won that game. Except their coach is Norv Turner, and once again that’s why they lost. I can’t believe he actually has one of the 32 head coaching jobs in the NFL. It defies logic. I really thought my mother could do better.

At the very least, she’d make sure they had nutritious, low sodium pregame meals.

**Hell of a Sunday night game. Eli Manning will never be as good as his brother. But damn, he’s getting closer. Fantastic final drive for the Giants. Clutch, clutch win over Dallas in Jerry Jones’ new castle. And can I just say how absolutely freakin’ stupid the rule is that you can call timeout a split second before the guy makes the kick? So stupid.

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OK, so I won’t reveal any of the Emmy Award winners Sunday night in case you haven’t watched them yet, but can I just ask: Is Neil Patrick Harris becoming the next Billy Crystal?

He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s talented and can sing and dance, and he used to be Doogie Howser. He was an awesome host Sunday and I think we should just give him the job permanently. I thought it was hilarious that he introduced the presenters with their most obscure roles ever.

Also, during my favorite segment of these award shows, the “In Memoriam” part (I’m weird, I know), I was shocked to hear that Mr. Bentley died. From “The Jeffersons,” remember? I loved that character.

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Finally, a personal horror. Woke up earlier than usual Sunday; started to do laundry. Pulled out a bunch of towels from the laundry basket and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see the largest freakin’ dead cockroach I’ve ever seen.

This thing was like the Mark McGwire of insects. I screamed for the wife. She screamed. She kills cockroaches at our house, while I’m on body removal (it’s the opposite for spiders. Don’t ask, we all have our phobias).

I disposed of it. Kept doing the laundry.

The horrors of everyday life.