Daily Archives: October 11, 2009

The questions Rush will ask Miss America, and my latest brilliant idea


A little light reading for a Sunday:

So I read the other day Rush Limbaugh will be a judge for the upcoming Miss America pageant.

Here then, are some questions I expect the leader of the “Dittoheads” to ask our aspiring beauty queens:

1. How many immigrants would you say we should throw out of this country at once? 50,000? 100,000?

2. Fill in the blank: A black person is what percent of a white person? Six-eighths of a white person? 7/8? Or you can provide your own answer.

3. Do you agree everyone on welfare is just fat, lazy, and stupid, or only 95 percent are that way?

4. As Miss America, which countries would you recommend we blow up first? Assuming, that is, that you can name five or six countries off the top of your head.

5.  The death penalty: Don’t you agree we should use it more than we already do?

6. Please fill in this multiple-choice question: Barack Obama is A, the Anti-Christ, B, Hitler’s long-lost brother, or C, the man who will keep my ratings high the next eight years.

7. Name one thing the government is good for.

8. Do you not agree the world was much better when old white men were the ones running it by themselves?

And finally…

9. What’re you doing later? I’ve got some pills and champagne in my room, and Glenn Beck is in charge of the entertainment.


**OK, so here’s my brilliant idea.

I spent a good portion of my Saturday wandering around a mall with my wife, running errands, standing in department stores, all that good stuff.

And I thought that all across America, millions of other men were doing the same thing at this time. Just sort of floating around aimlessly, their minds filled with nothing except “what, those first six pairs of (fill in the blank) weren’t good enough?”

So here’s what I’m thinking: What if all men across the country decided to, instead of waste that time, started taking on the world’s problems one at a time?

Like, everyone in the Eastern time zone, while mall-waiting, can think about how to solve global-warming. Everyone in the Midwest, you men deal with the health-care problem. Out in the Rockies, world hunger and nuclear proliferation. In the West, curing disease and figuring out how to open those child-proof caps on medicine bottles.

Think about how much brain time is wasted just wandering around the mall! We could be knocking problems off left and right instead of just trying to remember where we parked the car.

This needs to happen. I’ll organize the first meeting.