Daily Archives: July 8, 2010

Welcome, Jeff!

My dreams have finally come true! After years of waiting, hoping, praying, clearing enough salary-cap space in the hopes of this day, it has truly happened!

Wide World of Stuff is proud to announce the signing of superstar blogger Jeff Pearlman, the top free agent of all time. (Read all about his decision here!). We think Jeff, with his combination of bad ’80s references, rap music lyrics, constant hypochondria and political liberalism will take our blog to the top!

Our recruiting efforts have been numerous. We have thrown parades in Jeff’s honor. We have had our blog owner promise Jeff money, fame and all the Hall and Oates CDs he could possibly want.

We know he could’ve signed with blogs in Cleveland, Chicago, Miami, New York, or New Jersey. But he chose us, and that just swells us with pride. We know that Jeff will bring the kind of command of the English language to Wide World of Stuff that he had at jeffpearlman.com. We are excited to welcome him into our blog family and hope all of our fans will as well.

Can’t anyone help Lindsay Lohan? And a truly moronic Democratic candiate

I truly never thought I’d ever, ever, blog about Lindsay Lohan. Not in a million years. Not if you ripped out my leg hair individually and poked me in the eyes with sharp sticks.

And this post isn’t really about her. I’m just using her as a jumping-off point. In hearing about her latest brush with the law, resulting in her getting sent to jail for 90 days for violating her probation, I wondered something: Doesn’t anyone love this woman?
Is there no one in her life who, over the past several years of drinking, partying and generally acting like a complete ass, could take her by the hand and set her straight?

Celebrities are surrounded by sycophants, and the star’s families will often do or say anything to stay in the good graces of their meal ticket (in Lohan’s case, her family is much more batshit crazy than most).

But isn’t there somebody, anybody, who can sit this obviously troubled person down and offer tough love, or get through to her? A friend of mine said to me the other day, “She’ll be dead soon,” and I absolutely couldn’t disagree.

Despise and loathe Lohan all you want, she’s brought nearly all of her problems on herself.

But also, feel a little sad that no one in her life loves her enough to set her straight.

**I’ve been accused, by some, of only pointing out stupid, immoral, or crazy behavior by Republican political candidates. Well, showing that hilarity and idiots come in all party shapes and sizes, let me present to you Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Alvin Greene.

Mr. Greene is an unemployed former Air Force and army veteran, who shocked South Carolina by winning the Democratic primary on June 8. Greene was asked recently about how he might create jobs in South Carolina. This was his reply, and I swear I’m not making this up:

“Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That’s something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It’s not something a typical person would bring up. That’s something that could happen, that makes sense. It’s not a joke.”

Actually Alvin, it really is. What was in the water in South Carolina to make people vote for this clown?