A restaurant critic eviscerates Guy Fieri. Florida accuses a teacher of converting a student to lesbianism. And a cool eclipse video to relax you

Sometimes the best newspaper writing is found among reviews. Whether it’s a CD or concert, a restaurant, or a hotel, judging someone else’s new work can often be boring, tedious, or border on propaganda.

But man, once in a while you get a review that’s just brilliant and scathing. Roger Ebert, maybe the greatest movie critic ever, writes his best critiques of terrible movies; he seems to take such joy in skewering awful pieces of pop culture.

This review in the New York Times the other day has garnered all kinds of attention; it’s by Pete Wells, who has lots of fun taking the fairly-obnoxious chef Guy Fieri (maybe I just have hair-envy, but I don’t like the dude).

The entire review is written in the form of questions Wells wants to ask Fieri, such as:
— Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex?
— What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy’s Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy’s, in any meaningful sense?
— Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?
— “And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?”

And it goes on like that for a while. I found the whole thing delightful, and I sure as hell won’t be going to Times Square and Guy’s new place anytime soon.

**Every once in a while I come across a video on these here Interwebs that transfixes me for a few minutes, and I just sort of fall into a cool trance watching it.
This three-minute video, with music by Aldo Arechar and Matthew DiVito, is very cool and I predict it will put you in a more tranquil frame of mind today.

**Finally, more hard-to-believe news from the state of Florida. Even for the Sunshine State, this one is pretty out there: A Deerfield Beach schoolteacher named Juliet Hibbs has been accused by a former student’s parents of turning their daughter into a lesbian.

Hibbs, who is a heterosexual (not that that matters in the least here), was investigated last year by the school district, which cleared her, but Hibbs is now out on medical leave due to the stress of the situation, and she has filed charges with the EEOC against the school and the district.

I don’t know what’s more disgusting here: The parents for actually thinking a teacher can “turn” a girl into a lesbian, or the school district for taking this seriously.

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