Saturday night I had the strangest and most wonderful eating experience of my life.
My almost-bride and I had arranged for a sample tasting of the catered food to be served at our upcoming wedding on Long Island. Ever since the catering company offered this nine months ago when we booked them, I’d been excited for this night.
It helped that practically every single person we’re inviting’s first reaction when they were told where the wedding would be was “Oh my God, the food there is amazing!”
Until Saturday, I just had to take their word for it. But man oh man, were they right.
Here’s how it worked: My bride and I sat in the cocktail hour room while another wedding ceremony was going on next door. Then, over the next 20 minutes, my new best friend Linda brought us over plate after plate of food, two or three servings of each item, one after another. It got to be hilarious that as soon as we took one or two bites of the steak or the three-cheese ravioli, she was piling dumplings or chicken or fish on top of us.
It was the fastest meal I’ve ever eaten, as I took three or four bites of about 20 different things.
I learned quite a lot, including someone in this great world of ours took the time to invent sweet potato fries drizzled with maple syrup, which sent me into orgasmic-level excitement.
Finally, after 20 minutes of rush-eating and savoring and exclaiming “this is awesome!” Linda politely told us we had to leave, as 140 hungry guests were about to come in.
We drank some water, thanked her profusely, and hurried out the door.
I learned one thing above all else: To hell with getting married. I just want to be a guest at my wedding. I’ll be too damn busy to eat much of this fantastic food.
**So it’s not likely that gun control or stricter background checks would’ve stopped the Boston bombings, of course. But let’s not forget that gun control is basically dead in this country thanks to our weak-kneed Senate and the ever-powerful NRA.
Maybe this advertisement might rattle a few cages; it’s pretty damn powerful to me.
**Finally, some leftover thoughts on the insane Friday night in Boston, and the entire week of horrible news from hell (I’m telling you, this week in April is ALWAYS bad! I covered a bunch of reasons why in this blog post from 2010)
— It’s amazing how the world works sometimes: For 18 hours Friday the FBI, the Massachusetts state police, local police, the whole law enforcement community was looking for Dhokhar Tsarnaev and came up empty.
Then one guy in Watertown decided he’s gotta have a cigarette, and boom, the suspect is found.
— Memo to Phillip Morris: Here’s a new slogan for you: “Cigarettes save lives.” Who knows what other damage Tsarnaev would’ve caused if Dave Henneberry hadn’t needed a nicotine fix around 6 p.m. Friday?
— My favorite Twitter line from Friday night’s craziness: “Somewhere in Watertown, a wife is saying to her husband, ‘see, I told you that boat was gonna bring nothing but problems!'”
— Another amazing part of the story: Apparently Dhokhar tried to kill himself when police closed in on the boat, putting a gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger. But he didn’t die from that, which is almost impossible, I thought.
–Neil Diamond offered to fly to Boston and sing “Sweet Caroline” live at Fenway Park Saturday. I think that’s pretty cool (above).
— Finally, think about all the awfulness that happened last week: The Boston bombings. The Waco, Texas fertilizer plant explosion. The ricin poisoning of a letter sent to a U.S. Senator and to the President. An avalanche in Colorado Saturday that killed five people.
Has to be just about the worst week of bad news in American history.
Which means that hey, yes, it’s Monday, and a new week begins. No possible way it can be as bad as last week, right?