The Japanese dating service that can make you look like a fake hero. Celine Dion with an awesome performance of the “Titanic” song. And coffee baked right into a bagel? Sure, why not?

This has nothing to do with what I’m writing about today, but if I don’t share this amazing photo of Pope Francis with Donald, Ivanka and Melania Trump, I’d be letting you down big-time. Truly, the captions on this one would be epic.

We all know first dates are awkward. Where to go to eat, what else to do (movie? Mini-golf? Bowling? A walk along the water? A sumo wrestling match? So many options), and most of all, trying to impress your date without making it look like you’re trying to impress him or here.

Well, an amusement park in Osaka, Japan is making life easier for men looking to look cool. First, you take your date to Hirakata Park in Osaka. Then, as you walk around, a group of bad guys come up to you and insult your lady. Then, since this is all pre-arranged, you step up to one of the bad dudes and punch him out, showing your woman how tough you are.

If violence isn’t your thing, Hirakata Park also lets you defuse a bomb and save people, or donate blood to a needy person. The company takes your money a few days before your date, and rehearses everything that’s going to happen.

I think this is a brilliant idea, and completely ridiculous. I have no doubt many men would pay for this service, but here’s a way to impress a girl on your first date: Be nice to her. Ask about her interests and life. Open doors for her. Pick up the check. Don’t be obnoxiously staring at her chest or making lewd comments.

See? I just saved every single man in Japan a little money. Still, I have no doubt this idea will come to America.

**Next up today, Celine Dion gets mocked for her overly dramatic performances and gestures, her sappy songs, and lots of other things. But the woman has an amazing voice, in case you’ve forgotten. And this is the 20th anniversary of “Titanic” being released, a movie that’s a total guilty pleasure for me. I love, love, love it, and whenever it’s on TV and I stumble on it I stay and watch for a few minutes.

Sunday night at the Billboard Music Awards in Vegas, Celine belted out “My Heart Must Go On” and it was sublime. Enjoy.

**And finally today, part of being a New Yorker is that you’re legally required to have a cup of coffee and a bagel for breakfast at least a few times a week (seriously I think it’s on every apartment lease in the five boroughs.)

But who wants to go through all that trouble of drinking and eating at the same time? No one, that’s who. So Einstein Bros. bagels has invented a way to get your caffeine and cinnamon-raisin bagel jolt all at once. Not sure anyone in the world asked for this, but here it is: The Espresso Buzz bagel! Thirty-two milligrams of caffeine are in each one, with the caffeine coming from espresso and coffee-cherry flavor. According to this story, in addition to its dark (and slightly unappetizing) color, taste tests have been pretty mixed with some tasters describing it as a “sour,” and others loving it. So who knows? Try eating it, I guess. Or snorting it you prefer. Life is short.

There is no end to what we will do to get more caffeine. Also if these bagels taste good my wife might never eat anything else, ever again.

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