Sure, I can sit here today and rant about yet another disgusting response to an alleged sexual assault committed by our current President (“she’s not my type” is what this despicable human being we elected said when Jean Carroll said he raped her), or I can update you on the crazy Oregon GOP walkout story from Monday, where it was learned Tuesday night that the Democrats have backed down and won’t put the climate change bill up to a vote, or we can discuss how strange it is that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon, all died on the same day (June 25, 2009).
But no, I want to give you something different, like usual. So I present this hilarious but true story out of Alabama, that I heard about on NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” this week.
” Alabama investigators say a man kept a caged “attack squirrel” in his apartment and fed it methamphetamine to ensure it stayed aggressive.”
Also, the squirrel’s name? Deez Nuts. I’m not making any of this up.
The News Courier reports authorities are seeking 35-year-old Mickey Paulk on multiple charges including possession of a controlled substance.
Law enforcement was warned of the animal prior to executing a search warrant of the Athens home last Monday.
It’s illegal in Alabama to have a pet squirrel. Officials from the state’s Department of Conservation recommended releasing the animal, which deputies did successfully.
A spokesman for the Limestone county sheriff’s office says there was no safe way to test the squirrel for meth.”
But wait, it gets better. Mr. Paulk called The Washington Post just to deny the accusation that he had been giving meth to his pet squirrel…
He rescued the squirrel as a baby, bottle fed it. So of course Paulk was mad about the police raid on his place.
So in response to the raid, Mr. Paulk, who is, again, a wanted fugitive, says he went to the woods to rescue the squirrel.
And again, we’re not making this up, Paulk says Deez Nuts responded to his voice and came scampering down onto his shoulder.
Then he posted a Facebook video of him and the squirrel showing them together.
I mean… so many questions I have in this story. First, all squirrels look alike so how did Paulk know it was Deez Nuts who came to him? Second, and I can’t stress this enough, I need to know exactly HOW Paulk was giving Deez Nuts the crystal meth. Did he feed it to him in a straw, or did he give the squirrel some type of injection, or what? Because as crazy as Walter White and Jesse were on “Breaking Bad,” I don’t think we ever got to see a squirrel get high.
Third, what IS the point of having an aggressive squirrel? Is Mr. Paulk planning on entering him into some squirrel-fighting contests, to win cash and prizes? Do aggressive squirrels scare off potential burglars?
And my final question: Wouldn’t it have been easier, Mr. Paulk, to just go out in the woods and look for a squirrel that’s already pretty ornery, than to go spend the money on meth and get Deez Nuts all tweaked?
So many questions. Deez Nuts. God, what a time to be alive.
**Next up today, this clip is from two weeks ago’s episode of “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” but we were a little behind so I only saw it the other day, and I’m so glad I did.
So I couldn’t find the entire segment Oliver did on British Prime Minister candidates, but this part focuses on a man named Rory Stewart, who maybe allegedly knocked over one of the monarchy’s Princes in a soccer game when William and Harry were small children.
I laughed so damn hard at the rabbit hole Oliver goes down here. So freaking funny.
**And finally today, it’s rare that a baseball highlight makes me go “I’ve never seen THAT before,” but may I present St. Louis Cardinals second baseman Kolten Wong, and his unusual way of starting a double play Sunday.