You wonder what Jets fans did in a past life to deserve all of this.
I try not to let the Jets upset me anymore. I know it’s worthless, useless, and completely counterproductive to my attempt to achieve true joy as a human being.
And really, they don’t upset me much anymore. They are a pathetic joke of a franchise, I know this, you know this, and I tell myself I care much less about their fortunes than I used to.
Sunday I was having a perfectly lovely day with my family. But I stupidly followed the Jets-Dolphins game on my phone, thinking, surely my 1-6 Jets wouldn’t lose to the horrendous, probably trying to lose on purpose 0-7 Dolphins. They couldn’t… they wouldn’t…
Who the hell was I kidding.
In a loss as embarrassing as few others in the last four decades, the Jets got beat by a team trying to lose. The final was 26-18, the Jets franchise QB, Sam Darnold, is looking less and less like a sure thing future star, the offensive line couldn’t block me and three friends, the defense couldn’t stop a nosebleed (thank you Bart Scott), they make the most idiotic mistakes on penalties, their coach is pathetic, and here I go getting all upset again like I was around 3:30 today, while the rest of my family was having a lovely day.
Why can’t I quit this team??? Why, God, why???
OK let’s move on.
— I think I’ve written this in this space a few times before, but the Pittsburgh Steelers are in so many ways the Jets’ opposite. They hire good coaches and they last forever. They build depth at all positions, including quarterback. They are never, ever terrible. Oh, they have seasons where they’re not great, but they’re never truly embarrassing.
This year the Steelers lost their franchise QB, Ben Roethlisberger, early on, and yet they’ve rallied and won three in a row, and are 4-4 in the playoff hunt. As always.
Oh, the curse of being born where I was born.
— I always have the Browns and Lions to make me feel better about being a Jets fan. The Browns fell to 2-6 Sunday, losing to a bad Broncos team, having their two star receivers, Odell Beckham and Jarvis Landry, have to change cleats at halftime because their footwear didn’t meet NFL regulations, and once again seeing their franchise QB, Baker Mayfield, regress.
And the Lions blew a winnable game against the Raiders when they were stopped at the 1 on the final play of the game.
There should be an island somewhere where Jets, Lions and Browns fans can all get together, hug, and have a good cry.
— Russell Wilson is so underrated it’s amazing. How you can be underrated in an NFL that gets so much attention is something I don’t get, but this guy is incredible. Won another thriller Sunday, with his legs and his arm.
— Christian McCaffrey might be the best non-QB in football right now. Three more TD’s again Sunday and he makes it look so easy.
— Oh yeah, the Patriots finally lost. That was nice.
**Next up today, one more football thing from this weekend that was kind of amazing. Dartmouth was trailing Harvard, 6-3 in the final seconds of their game Saturday when this insane play happened. Amazing, Doug Flutie-esque escape by the Dartmouth QB here (Doug Flutie, look him up, young’uns).
**Finally today, we’ve found the most obnoxious lawyer in America not named Rudy Giuliani. His name is Lane Jefferies of the Anastopoulo Law Firm in Charleston, South Carolina, and the reason he has won the award, hands down, is because of his email signature that went viral this week.
Mr. Jefferies is very important, so important, he can’t be bothered by your phone calls and emails with their uninteresting and meandering ways. So he, the Very Important Mr. Jefferies, has very strict rules regarding how you should contact him.
Behold, and see if you can find a bigger horse’s ass, anywhere.
1) Call my cell any day between 4:00 p.m. and 4:30 p.m. If I am not already on the phone with another opposing counsel, I will answer and spend up to five minutes on the phone with you. At the end of our five-minute talk, I may instruct my staff to schedule a longer meeting with you if you satisfy the criteria set forth in #2 below. Please note that I spend just five minutes on each call, so if I don’t answer when you call, wait a few minutes and try again. My cell is XXX-XXXX. Call only between 4:00 p.m. and 4:30 p.m. as I spend the rest of my day focused solely on achieving my clients’ goals.
So what are the criteria in No. 2? Glad you asked!
Begin (your email) by providing my office with a specific agenda of items you would like to discuss,” he wrote. “Be sure to identify the tangible outcomes to be achieved as to each item, and persuasively describe how these outcomes, if achieved, would promote the greatest recovery for my client in the least amount of time and for the least expense.”
“If your email persuades my staff that using my time to meet with you is legally required or is likely to be a worthy investment from the perspective of my client, then they will schedule a meeting (probably a meeting by phone initially),” the message continued.
“On the other hand, if you do not persuade my staff that scheduling a meeting is consistent with my promise to my clients not to try to do 1000 things at once that won’t contribute much, if anything, to the results we are trying to achieve, then no meeting will be scheduled (though you remain free to call any afternoon as described in #1 above),” the message continued. “Fair warning: generalized requests to ‘discuss the case’ or ‘talk about the status’ or the like will be considered conclusive evidence of a request to waste time, and no meeting will be scheduled.”
Jefferies concluded his missive by noting that his staff has “instituted the above procedure in order to accommodate your desire to speak with me by phone in a manner that does not interfere with my ethical obligation to to (sic) devote my time and attention to the pursuit of justice for my clients as quickly and economically as possible.”
I only have one question after this: How is Lane Jefferies not already working in the Trump White House?