What’s up people? So much stuff I want to write about tonight but don’t have time for, nor do you have time to read, but quick shout-outs to the incredible first night of the “Jeopardy” Greatest of All Time tournament, man that was sensational to watch, Brad and James and Ken are just amazing. It was like watching Joe Louis vs. Muhammad Ali vs. Mike Tyson going at it, all in their primes. Tremendous stuff that continues tonight.
Also, I know I’m not supposed to laugh at the incredible awfulness of our President starting a war with Iran, but this Tweet he wrote last night made me LOL because it totally sounds like a letter home from summer camp from a kid, to Mom and Dad. “All is well! Timmy got stung by a wasp, I have a sunburn from volleyball, and we’re bombing Iran! Talk to you soon!”
God save us from this madman. OK, on with the show…
I know I’m a little late on this but I refuse to let a year go by without sending you to Dave Barry’s annually hilarious Year in Review column he writes for most of America’s major newspapers.
Barry, as I’ve written many times before, is the funniest writer in America, and this year just check out some of these excerpts:
From February: In sports, the New England Patriots, led by 63-year-old Tom Brady, defeat the Los Angeles Rams, 13-3, in a Super Bowl featuring one touchdown and 14 punts. During the national anthem, TV cameras clearly capture Patriots coach Bill Belichick pouring liquid from a bottle labeled “SEDATIVES” into the Rams’ Gatorade, but the NFL referee crew fails to notice. Asked about this after the game, Commissioner Roger Goodell says, “To be honest, I was watching Netflix.”
In May: Meanwhile as the 2020 U.S. presidential race heats up, several hundred Democratic presidential contenders gather in Miami for the first major debates. The front-runner is Joe Biden, but he suffers a setback when Sen. Kamala Harris, in what is clearly a planned attack, points out that Biden is wearing his pants backward. Biden’s staff hastily releases a statement explaining that the former vice president “thought it was Friday.” Also getting a lot of attention is Marianne Williamson, who qualifies for the debates based on the number of campaign donations she received from other dimensions.
For his part, President Trump launches his 2020 reelection bid with a rally in Orlando attended by 246 million people, as confirmed by Fox News.
In entertainment news, James Holzhauer’s record-breaking victory streak on “Jeopardy!” finally comes to an end when, in the Final Jeopardy round, he is flagged for a face mask violation by an NFL officiating crew.
**Next up today, this is one of those controversies that keeps going round and round the Interwebs and more and more people seem to believe it, because more and more people seem to think it’s true.
But I just can’t.
Shaquille O’Neal, who I love, has joined the world of Stevie Wonder Truthers, i.e., people who think Stevie is faking the whole blindness thing and can actually see.
Shaq Diesel went on “The Tonight Show” Monday night to tell a story that I’d heard before, about running into Stevie in an elevator many years ago.
It’s a quick story, watch it, and tell me if he can possibly be right. I mean, there is NO WAY Stevie Wonder has been lying all these years.
**And finally today, it’s been awhile since I’ve highlighted the work here of the great Tommy Tomlinson, whose book that came out last year, “The Elephant in the Room,” I can’t praise enough.
Tommy wrote a new blog post this week called “56 Up,” modeled on the style of the famous documentary series from Britain by Michael Apted of following a group of people and updating their lives every seven years. (the last movie was “63 Up.”)
Tomlinson took a look back at his own life upon turning 56, and as always his writing sparkles. A short excerpt, but the whole thing is wonderful:
21 up (January 1985): I’m a junior at the University of Georgia and I’m a mess — drinking too much, blowing off classes, gaining so much weight I’m down to a couple of shirts and a blown-out pair of jeans. I have two salvations. One is my friends. The other is my job at the college newspaper, The Red & Black. I spend most of my waking hours there, learning how to interview reluctant sources and omit needless words. Every day the paper comes out is a high. Back home, my dad is sick and has been for years — he smoked most of his life and the poison has caught him. My mom had quit the seafood plant after getting injured on the job but goes back to work as a waitress because we need the money. She keeps our household together a roll of pennies at a time.
And the kicker, about many of his friends and loved ones dying in recent years:
This is what happens, we know, when you live this many years. Some days the grief is overwhelming. But some days the joy is, too. Just last night we took Alix’s mom out to dinner, and on the walk back to the car, we looked up at the moon. It was a clear night and the air felt fresh in my lungs and the moon was a miracle. How many nights over 56 years have I looked up and seen that light in the dark? How many times have I held my wife’s hand as we walked? So many times I can’t count them all. But I know how many I want. More.