Oh I know I could be writing about coronavirus today, and how the panic is getting real, and how I’m starting to get scared that local schools here will be closed soon and the NCAA Tournament might be cancelled (which would devastate me as a sports fan), but come on, you get that everywhere else you look on the Internet.
So we don’t have any of that corono-talk here, no sirree Bob. Today I want to start with a much more important issue: The pure awfulness of Chuck E. Cheese.
If you don’t have kids, you’ve probably never been inside one of these hellholes masquerading as a children’s entertainment center. And bless you if you’ve never been in one.
Chuck E. Cheeses are, almost uniformly, bastions of grossness. Swamps of yuckitude. A cornucopia of crummy.
You get the point. Ostensibly meant as an arcade center for kids to play Skee-ball and other video games, Chuck E. Cheese truly “distinguishes itself” with its live dancing animal shows, which scared the hell out of my 5-year-old when he was 3, and I’m convinced he’s still terrified of them. They’re creepy-looking, the songs are weird, and I just don’t like them.
The food at Chuck E. Cheese’s is about the level of junior-high cafeteria quality, if not worse. The employees look like they’d rather be anywhere else, and at least in the Chuck E. Cheese’s I’ve been in, the noise is deafening and often the game machines don’t work.
Which all leads me to say that I am totally with a Washington state womna named Ashreana Scott in this lawsuit I read about the other day.
Seems Miss Scott got her long hair completely tangled in one of Charles E. Cheese’s ticket-counting machines, and suffered hair trauma for 20 minutes before an employee finally could free her.
The incident caused her “pain, discomfort, distress, and headaches,” the complaint alleges.
The lawsuit says Chuck E. Cheese “failed to use reasonable care” in designing the ticket machine to ensure guests wouldn’t get their hair caught in it, they failed to properly train employees to aid someone in such a situation, and they failed to provide adequate warnings of the risk.
I really hope she wins. Chuck E. Cheese, pay that woman, and the rest of us for ever having to go into your establishment.
Parents, I KNOW you’re with me.
**Next up, I love stupid stuff like this that sets a world record. More than 3,500 people in France convened last Sunday to set the Guinness mark for most people in one place dressed up as Smurfs.
Papa Smurf, Mama Smurf, and the whole gang paraded around, mocked coronovirus, and had a grand old time.
Loved the “Smurfs” cartoon as a kid. Glad to see other people still want to be blue and cuddly.
**Finally today, it was another resounding Tuesday for former vice-president Joe Biden, who trounced Bernie Sanders in Mississippi and Missouri, and also racked up a double-digit win in Michigan, which was seen as Bernie’s best chance at a win last night.
The race is not over, of course, but it’s looking more and more inevitable that it’s going to be Biden vs. Trump (although it’d be so great if DT came down with coronovirus), which means, among other things, we may get a pay-per-view steel cage match between Hunter Biden and Donald Trump Jr., and I am SO here for that.
I don’t know how Sanders turns this around; voter turnout has been surging in all these primaries which is a great thing, but those voters are making it clear they want the old white guy from Delaware, not the old white guy from Vermont, to take on Trump.
And I have to say, this little moment from Biden (bel0w), confronted on the Second Amendment by a Michigan auto worker Tuesday, probably helps him a little. He’s a fighter, he’s trying to tell the guy he’s lying about what Biden has said, and he refuses to let his press aide or whoever move him along.
The person who will beat Donald Trump needs to be a fighter, and Biden surely is one.
Look, I still don’t love Biden as a candidate, I’m not any more certain than I was last week that he has the mental capacity and fitness to hold up for eight months. But it looks like he’ll get the chance to show us.