Daily Archives: March 29, 2020

FOX sportscaster Joe Buck hilariously calls everyday life, because he’s bored. A Swiss tennis star (not Fed) has a creative “birthday party.” And Florida police finally apprehend a fugitive cow

And so we carry on, into week three for most of us of this quarantine thing, and it has led to some strange conversations in my house. For example, for two nights last week Shelley and I made March Madness-style brackets of who we’d most, and least, like to be quarantined with if we had to, with the only rules being we weren’t necessarily together.

One night we did family members, with hilarious arguments like “No way that cousin is a 4 seed, they’re way higher than that!” or “Oh that’s an impossible matchup, I wouldn’t want to be quarantined with EITHER of them!”.

Then we did our “couple friends” we’d most like to be quarantined with, and that was equally hilarious and difficult.

What I’m saying is, folks, is that it’s getting wacky up in here. And I’m sure in your house, too. We’re trying not to watch the news or check Twitter every few minutes because it’s just so awful, especially as the number of deaths and hospitalizations increase here in the epicenter of New York (Check this statement by Dr. Fauci for a scary thought). So we’re trying to keep things as light as possible, and having a good time with headlines like “Trump consulted Alex Rodriguez about coronavirus pandemic.”

As Charlie Pierce wisely said, well, A-Rod was an amateur pharmacist.”

You know who is trying to keep it light, too? The awesome sports broadcaster Joe Buck. The legendary FOX football and baseball guy is bored out of his mind with no sports to call, so the other day on Twitter he asked readers to send him everyday events in their life for him to narrate. He agreed to narrate them in exchange for them donating to a charity cause related to the quarantine, which is awesome.

And fabulously, they did send him videos. Here are a couple of my favorites: The one above is of a father playing indoor hoops with his little son, and the Dad not letting the kid score on him.

And then this one is fabulous, too, “Bruce Wayne” and “Rocco” fighting over a stick, their usual Tuesday morning tussle. Love it!

OK I’m sorry, just discovered one more great one, animal-related. Joe Buck is amazing.

**OK, next up, another creative video of someone doing something way cool with video, something they would never do if we weren’t in the middle of a global pandemic.

Swiss tennis star Stan Wawrinka turned 35 the other day, so he had a few “friends” over for his birthday party.

Brilliantly done, Stan. As beautiful as one of your one-handed backhands (and pardon me as I sniff, sniff today at the news Wimbledon will announce this week it’s cancelling the 2020 Tournament.)

**And finally, a little Florida crime humor because, unlike protective masks and Lysol, that never is in short supply.

Last week police in the Sunshine State finally arrested a fugitive who’d eluded them for months.

This fugitive was smart, wily, and weighed a few thousand pounds so should’ve been easy to catch.

It was a cow.

On March 18, Pembroke Pines police officers apprehended the female cow, which had spent the past few months on the lam, eluding authorities, police said.

The previous week, the department asked the public to be on the lookout for the brown cow, which they is “faster than it looks” and a “talented fence jumper.” While police didn’t list the size of the fugitive, cows weigh roughly 1,600 pounds.  (How fast can a 1,600 pound be that he’s faster than he looks?)

For several months a loose cow has been seen wandering in the area of Sheridan Street & I-75,” Pembroke Pines Police Department wrote on Facebook last week. “It has managed to evade capture by both our officers & assisting cow herders since January, due to its surprising speed and amazing fence jumping skills.”

I would freaking LOVE to see that cow jump a fence. Thankfully, the cow has been apprehended and safely returned to, I don’t know, wherever 1,600 pound fugitive cows get sent back to.

Florida, don’t ever change.