Tag Archives: colon clear co-op

A crazy but maybe true British story about flowers, cemeteries, and true love in a crazy way. A toddler hilariously wants to throw a pitch from a big-league mound. And a store trying to dissuade plastic bag use fails miserably

OK so I know you can’t believe everything you read on the Internet, and that’s certainly true of Twitter, but well, this seems like this kind of story that’s too insane to make up out of whole cloth, so I’m going to take the author at his word that it’s all true.

If it turns out not to be true, as some have claimed, well, then, it’s still a hell of a story and I think you’ll get a kick out of it.

It was posted last week by a Twitter user named @sixthformpoet, and here goes:

My dad died. Classic start to a funny story. He was buried in a small village in Sussex. I was really close to my dad so I visited his grave a lot. I still do. [DON’T WORRY, IT GETS FUNNIER.] I always took flowers and my mum visited a lot and she always took flowers and my grandparents were still alive then and they always took flowers. My dad’s grave frequently resembled a solid third place at the Chelsea Flower Show.

Nice but I felt bad for the guy buried next to my dad. He NEVER had flowers. Died on Christmas Day aged 37, no one left him flowers and now there’s a pop-up florist in the grave next door. So I started buying him flowers. I STARTED BUYING FLOWERS FOR A DECEASED MAN I’D NEVER MET.

I did this for quite some time, but I never mentioned it to anyone. It was a little private joke with myself, I was making the world a better place one bunch of flowers at a time. I know it sounds weird but I came to think of him as a friend. I wondered if there was a hidden connection between us, something secretly drawing me to him. Maybe we went to the same school, played for the same football club or whatever.

So I googled his name, and ten seconds later I found him. His wife didn’t leave him flowers BECAUSE HE’D MURDERED HER. ON CHRISTMAS DAY. After he murdered his wife, he murdered her parents too. And after that he jumped in front of the only train going through Balcombe tunnel that Christmas night.

THAT was why no one ever left him flowers. No one except me, of course. I left him flowers. I left him flowers every couple of weeks. Every couple of weeks FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

I felt terrible for his wife and her parents. Now, I wasn’t going to leave them flowers every couple of weeks for two and a half years but I did feel like I owed them some sort of apology. I found out where they were buried, bought flowers and drove to the cemetery. As I was standing at their graves mumbling apologies, a woman appeared behind me.

She wanted to know who I was and why I was leaving flowers for her aunt and grandparents. AWKWARD. I explained and she said OK that’s weird but quite sweet. I said thanks, yes it is a bit weird and oh god I ASKED HER OUT FOR A DRINK. Incredibly, she said yes. Two years later she said yes again when I asked her to marry me because that is how I met my wife.”

OK, so maybe that whole story is made up, but come on, you totally enjoyed the ride, right?

**Next up today, turns out this video is from last year, not last week like I thought, but it’s still adorable. Nolan is a tiny Cincinnati Reds fan and was fortunate enough to be selected to throw out the first pitch at a game.

Befitting Nolan’s Munchkin-like size, he was placed just a few feet from home plate to make his toss. But Nolan wasn’t happy there; he kept pointing toward the mound, indicating he wanted to throw it from where the big guys do.

Finally, the grown-up in charge takes the tyke to the mound, and the look of pride and wonder on Nolan’s face… priceless.

**Finally today, I got a good laugh out of this story, both as an appreciation of a business trying to do the right thing, and someone who, upon seeing what they were doing, would totally try to thwart it.

So the East West food Market in Vancouver was trying to help save the environment a little, and wanted to reduce customers’ wishes to use plastic bags, and bring their own reusables.
So the Market had 1,000 plastic bags printed up with embarrassing slogans, like  “Dr. Toews’ Wart Ointment Wholesale,” “Into the Weird Adult Video Emporium” or “The Colon Care Co-op,” thinking the slogans would shame customers, make them not want to carry the bags around town. They also started charging five cents per plastic bag.

And yet, despite the shame attempt, the bags have become a huge hit. 

“Some of the customers want to collect them because they love the idea of it,” David Lee Kwen, the owner of the store, Vancouver’s East West Markettold The Guardian newspaper.

The store began the campaign this month, printing up 1,000 bags with the eye-popping slogans. Shoppers who chose to use a plastic carrier would not only be charged 5 cents apiece, they would theoretically walk out onto the street with the cringeworthy messages for all the world to see.

Ah well. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?

Oh, and FYI, I’ve been to to Colon Clear Co-op, and lemme tell you, the path getting to it is very, very clean (thank you, I’m here all week.)