Tag Archives: ” Eva Longoria

Why I don’t understand guys like Tony Parker. And Jim Morrison, pardoned?

I think average-looking guys like myself always are shocked when we hear news like this week’s celebrity gossip, when the super-gorgeous Eva Longoria announced she was divorcing Tony Parker, the San Antonio Spurs basketball star.
Apparently, according to A.C. Slater (I mean, Longoria’s friend Mario Lopez, who played A.C. Slater on TV), Longoria found a bevy of text messages from the wife of one of Parker’s Spurs teammates, on Parker’s phone.
I don’t get it. I just don’t. Tony, sweetheart, you’re married to Eva Longoria, one of the most beautiful women in the world.  What would possess you, an NBA star with fame and fortune beyond your wildest dreams, to find Eva Longoria, not enough for you?
Maybe Eva is mean in real life.
Maybe Tony no longer respected her work on “Desperate Housewives.” Maybe hanging around all those beautiful women who stalk/follow NBA players made him weak.
Whatever it is, it’s astonishing to me. And Eva, I’m here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on.

**So here’s something our current governor of Florida can hang his hat on: Sure, he didn’t win his Senate race, but Charlie Crist is trying to right a historical wrong: He’s trying to get Jim Morrison pardoned.
For those who are not Morrison fans, or have forgotten, the Doors lead singer was arrested and later convicted of exposing himself at a 1969 concert in Miami.
A great phrase from this story: “The evidence Morrison unzipped his pants was flimsy.” I’ll let you make your own joke there, this is a family blog (then again, I did write last week about the woman who attacked the police with a sex toy.)
I also like the sentence “none of the 100 photos admitted into evidence showed Morrison’s genitals.”
I love it when politicians get involved in this stuff, because really, who’s going to argue against it? The morals police? Free Jim Morrison.
But not, of course, his genitals. Those should stay packed away. And apparently in 1969, they did.

A bat-shit crazy Alabama woman, and the return of my former flame (she never knew it)

crazyalabamawoman

So there is stupid, there’s really stupid, and then there’s stupid that’s so dumb you really just have to question a person’s sanity.

Not sure about you, but the brilliant folks at The Smoking Gun always provide me with lots of doses of stupid on a regular basis.

This week, they brought me the delightful story of Jackie Knott. Seems Ms. Knott, of Albertville, Ala. and her 13-year-old daughter were traveling down U.S. 431 in Alabama when she was pulled over. That’s because Knott’s 13-year-old daughter was seen riding on top of her van inside a cardboard box.

Yes, you read that right. The kid was inside the cardboard box. So many questions spring to mind, but first, her statement to police:

It seems Knott told police that the girl was riding in the box because it  “was too big to go inside the van, and she would be able to hold it down if she was inside the box.”

Police asked Knott if she was worried about her daughter’s safety (those intrusive bastards!) Knott said all was well, because the box was secured to the car with a coat hanger.

Oh well, then everything’s OK. Sorry to have bothered you, ma’am. I’m sure it’s a strong coat hanger.

Knott was arrested and charged with endangering the welfare of a child. Her daughter was turned over to a relative.

I’d say “only in Alabama” here, but frighteningly this could happen anywhere in the South, I’m afraid.

When did it become acceptable to treat a child like a paperweight? And couldn’t she have, I don’t know, FOLDED the box to get it to fit in the van?

I have no idea what kind of parent I’ll be one day. But I’m pretty certain I won’t be making that mistake.

**Alex Rodriguez, welcome to the Yankees. It’s only taken five years, but now you’re officially part of the family. Also, I think the Minnesota Twins just left a few more runners on base.

***So I truly have a wonderful wife, for many reasons. One of them is that unlike many other wives who are bothered by their husband’s looking at other women (particularly famous ones), she often points out to me when they’ll be on TV and the Internet.

If Shakira or Eva Longoria or one of my other “girlfriends” is going to be on “The View,” than she DVR’s that baby for me.

(Her rationale? “Hey, if any of these women actually agree to go out with you, go right ahead.” I’m guessing she feels safe that won’t happen).

All of this is to say that I was surprised that she wasn’t the one who pointed the below Youtube video out to me. Nicole Eggert, formerly of “Charles in Charge” and “Baywatch,” has always been in my Top 3 all-time Holy Trinity of famous babes (Heather Locklear and Paula Abdul are the others. Don’t judge me; I fell for Paula in 1989 when no one knew how crazy she was.

Anyway, apparently my beloved Miss Eggert, who is barely in any movies or TV anymore, has been getting teased by the tabloids about her recent weight gain. So she made a video spoof of herself for FunnyorDie.com, with a “Baywatch” theme.

Hey, I still think she looks great, and I’ll bet that and my DVD copy of the classic “Blown Away” against anyone who says differently:

The cowardice of Hollywood, as seen in “Desperate Housewives.” And Florida cops love Wii bowling.

housewives

Let me say that it’s entirely possible that this is a wild overreaction by me. Sometimes things just hit you at a certain time and make you so annoyed.

However, I don’t think this is one of those things.

So I’m watching the season premiere of “Desperate Housewives” Sunday night. I know it’s a silly show with ridiculous storylines, but the writing is awesome, Eva Longoria Parker is just smoking hot (as is Teri Hatcher, still), and it entertains me.

So one of the new plot points this season is that Lynette Scavo, Felicity Huffman’s character, is pregnant with twins. Lynette has four other children with her husband Tom, and she’s somewhere in her early 40s. She and Tom have, like, no money; their pizzeria cost them a ton, and now Tom’s in school while Lynette is the only one working.

So the episode starts and Tom and Lynette are talking about the craziness of having more children. Tom (whose character has always been the weakest on the show, IMO)  tries to reassure Lynette, tells her everything is going to be fine. For most of the episode, Lynette is depressed and worried and not really at all interested in having more kids.

And yet, never, ever, ever, in the entire episode, is the subject of Lynette having an abortion even implied, hinted at, or even brought up as a topic between Lynette and Tom.

OF COURSE she’s going to have the baby, because everyone wants babies! Even if you’re in your early 40s, have four kids already, have no money and are drowning in debt, it’s still awesome to have two more kids. Yippee!

Why is abortion never even brought up? Because, my friends, it is apparently still considered such a toxic issue that no mainstream show dare go near it. My goodness, ABC might lose some advertisers, draw protests, inflame the right wing who could boycott the show.  A woman even discussing having an abortion on a show? We can’t have that. No, no, no. We must present reality only one way, and avoid offending anyone, anyone out there who may watch us.

Never mind the fact that abortion is legal in this country. Never mind the fact that Roe vs. Wade is almost four decades old. Never mind the fact that for millions of women each day, a decision on whether or not to abort a fetus is a heart-wrenching, real-life issue.

Look, I’m not sitting here advocating abortion, though I am definitely pro-choice. And I’m not saying the writers of the show are stupid for not making Lynette have one.

I just think it’s remarkably pathetic and cowardly that shows like this completely ignore this side of the discussion, and quite frankly treat the audience like morons by ignoring that elephant in the room.

This is why I laugh riotously when people are always accusing Hollywood of being “liberal.” The people in Hollywood may be liberal, but the shows? So far from it.

Anyway, this annoyed me.

*** Here’s something awesome: Apparently police in Lakeland, Fla. did a little Wii playing while performing a drug raid on a house (As my wife would say: Why does this stuff always happen in Florida?)

My favorite part of this is the sheriff trying to justify things. Brilliant.