These are strange times we are living in, of that there is no doubt. We have a President happily admitting to taking a drug his own FDA says could be dangerous. We have fools staging protests in Costcos and at high-end shopping malls and getting all pissed off because they’re asked to follow the rules and wear masks.
And we have 50 different states doing 50 different things when it comes to re-opening, as we hopefully see the scourge of coronavirus start to slow down a bit.
But even in these strange times we’re living in, I think it’s my job to call out to your attention truly, truly bizarre behavior, behavior that would be bizarre no matter when it occurred.
Which brings me to Modesto, Calif., and a man named Gabriel Moreno. From the Modesto Bee story, so you know I’m not making any of this up:
“Sometime last Tuesday afternoon, Moreno was driving north on the highway in the Fulkerth Road area, CHP Officer Thomas Olsen said. He pulled alongside a Cherokee Freight Lines rig hauling a tank of wine and caught the driver’s attention, “like something was wrong with the vehicle,” Olsen said.
The trucker pulled to the side of the freeway, with Moreno stopping in front of him. “The gentleman (Moreno) gets out of his vehicle in his underwear only, and runs to the back of the trailer,” the officer said. “That’s when the driver realized, ‘This isn’t right,’ and re-enters the traffic lane. The gentleman jumps on the trailer, which has a ladder on the back, and gets a ride.”
Moreno manages to unscrew a valve to try to drink wine as it gushes from the tank, Olsen said. The driver can’t see this, but does notice that a dashboard gauge shows his truck is losing weight, so pulls over. He’s gone about a mile, to the Monte Vista Avenue area, Olsen said.
Once the rig has stopped, Moreno “jumped down and placed himself beneath the belly of the truck and was just indulging in the wine,” Olsen said. “He was lying on the ground and doing snow angels, basically, as the wine was pouring down on him.”
Moreno then ran a short distance. The trucker already had called the CHP, Olsen said, but a few other reports came in of a man running in the area, covered in blood, which of course was the wine. According to Cherokee, the tanker lost about 1,000 gallons of it, Olsen said.
When CHP officers caught Moreno, he was cooperative, Olsen said, and was booked for felony vandalism and misdemeanor driving on a suspended license.”
I mean… where do you start? So Moreno is driving along the highway, sees a wine truck, and thinks “Hmmm, I’m feeling a little parched, why don’t I get this driver’s attention, the try to jump onto his truck and unscrew a wine valve and get myself nice and drunk!”
Just wondering what his plan was AFTER imbibing 32 gallons of pinot grigio.
**I usually like to highlight great commencement speeches this time of the year, but of course because the world is metaphorically on fire right now, there have been very few to choose from.
What we do have, though, is maybe the worst graduation speech ever. It was given by Nebraska senator Ben Sasse, a “rising star” in the Republican Party, last weekend to some high school students in his state.
I think Sasse was trying to be funny here, but wow, he bombs worse than a rookie comic at the Laugh Factory at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday.
I mean… this is awful. If you’re a high school senior in Nebraska, don’t you come away from this feeling insulted and bad about yourself?
And finally today, have you had this experience on YouTube, where your search history gets known to the algorithm and certain clips just follow you around, like popping up every few months for you to watch?
That’s what happened for me with this absolutely hilarious “Saturday Night Live” clip from 2015, starring the perfect duo of Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. It’s a game show called “Meet your Second Wife,” and it is tears-in-your-eyes funny.
What’s crazy to me is I have no memory of ever seeing it when it aired, but thanks to YouTube having the clip “stalk” me, I’ve now seen it 5-6 times and it kills me every time.
So many good parts, but Kenan Thompson’s face after his presumed second wife walks out and he says “well, she’s a little older, that’s good!” and then finds out the truth is golden.
Enjoy this laugh, I’m sure you could use one right now.