So of course because I’m going to be a new parent soon (my wife is 24 weeks in, so third trimester, here she comes), I’ve been reading parenting books, scouring the web for information, and doing all the eventually useless preparation for the beginning of my kid’s life, and I say “useless” because the No.1 thing people are telling me is that you just can’t possibly prepare for this.
However, I have a feeling this handy little guide will be the most crucial, and most-used, piece of info I’ve come across. It sure as hell is the funniest.
Aaron Gouveia, a father and writer for Huffington Post, came up with the “19 Lies Parents Tell Their Kids,” and it’s freaking hilarious. A sampling:
18. “Oh honey, this tastes delicious.”
No it doesn’t. I don’t care that it’s called “Dada’s Surprise,” because I know the surprise is you took a little bit of everything in the house and mixed it together to create this abomination currently accosting my taste buds. I can’t prove you did it on purpose because you know I’m parentally obligated to imbibe it, but we both know you’re old enough to realize milk and orange juice don’t go together.
17. “That drawing is FANTASTIC!”
Look, I’m your dad. I’m never going to tell you something you worked hard on sucks. But why do you insist on playing this game where you make me guess what you drew? If I’m being honest, it looks like a sphincter with three arms — not Batman. In the future, just tell me what you drew so we don’t set ourselves up for mutual disappointment.
11. “The dog ate your candy.”
Unlike cats, dogs are fantastic animals and man’s best friend. They are also a great tool for parents to shift blame. Because the truth is, I ate your candy. I’m not even sure how a box of Thin Mints became yours. I paid for the damn things. I should just be able to tell you I ate them because I was hungry and dammit this is my house! But then you hit me with those sad eyes and I have no choice but to do the right thing — blame an innocent and much beloved household pet.
I’ve read it three times and laughed every time. So good. Read the rest of Gouveia’s fantastic article here.
**Next up, I’m no soccer fan but Nike has done a super job with some of their pre-World Cup commercials. I mean, I’m going to watch the U.S. games, but if Wayne Rooney or someone else actually does something like this? I may have to watch more.
Some more 15-second spots here.
**Finally, from the category of “Really? Nobody thought this could be a bad idea?” Dept.
Some adminstration members of Washington University, in St. Louis, thought it would be a fun idea to have a local petting zoo visit campus two weeks ago, as a stress reliever for students during finals week.
Sure! Pet some animals, feel good about yourself, and go out and ace those exams.
Only, well, one of the tiny bear cubs (named, unironically, Boo Boo) bit 14 students and broke through their skin, includking skin on their arms and faces, and the students had to worry about catching rabies and poor Boo Boo was set to be euthanized.
However, thank heavens, Boo Boo didn’t have rabies, he now gets to live in a zoo, but who the hell knows if the students passed their finals.
Washington University, a nickel’s worth of free advice from me: Next time, just hold a damn pep rally.