Tag Archives: Nike

19 funny lies parents tell their kids. The bear that was supposed to motivate, bites people. And Nike’s soccer commercials are great


So of course because I’m going to be a new parent soon (my wife is 24 weeks in, so third trimester, here she comes), I’ve been reading parenting books, scouring the web for information, and doing all the eventually useless preparation for the beginning of my kid’s life, and I say “useless” because the No.1 thing people are telling me is that you just can’t possibly prepare for this.

However, I have a feeling this handy little guide will be the most crucial, and most-used, piece of info I’ve come across. It sure as hell is the funniest.

Aaron Gouveia, a father and writer for Huffington Post, came up with the “19 Lies Parents Tell Their Kids,” and it’s freaking hilarious. A sampling:

18. “Oh honey, this tastes delicious.”
No it doesn’t. I don’t care that it’s called “Dada’s Surprise,” because I know the surprise is you took a little bit of everything in the house and mixed it together to create this abomination currently accosting my taste buds. I can’t prove you did it on purpose because you know I’m parentally obligated to imbibe it, but we both know you’re old enough to realize milk and orange juice don’t go together.

17. “That drawing is FANTASTIC!”
Look, I’m your dad. I’m never going to tell you something you worked hard on sucks. But why do you insist on playing this game where you make me guess what you drew? If I’m being honest, it looks like a sphincter with three arms — not Batman. In the future, just tell me what you drew so we don’t set ourselves up for mutual disappointment.

11. “The dog ate your candy.”
Unlike cats, dogs are fantastic animals and man’s best friend. They are also a great tool for parents to shift blame. Because the truth is, I ate your candy. I’m not even sure how a box of Thin Mints became yours. I paid for the damn things. I should just be able to tell you I ate them because I was hungry and dammit this is my house! But then you hit me with those sad eyes and I have no choice but to do the right thing — blame an innocent and much beloved household pet.

I’ve read it three times and laughed every time. So good. Read the rest of Gouveia’s fantastic article here.

**Next up, I’m no soccer fan but Nike has done a super job with some of their pre-World Cup commercials. I mean, I’m going to watch the U.S. games, but if Wayne Rooney or someone else actually does something like this? I may have to watch more.
Some more 15-second spots here.


**Finally, from the category of “Really? Nobody thought this could be a bad idea?” Dept.

Some adminstration members of Washington University, in St. Louis, thought it would be a fun idea to have a local petting zoo visit campus two weeks ago, as a stress reliever for students during finals week.

Sure! Pet some animals, feel good about yourself, and go out and ace those exams.
Only, well,  one of the tiny bear cubs (named, unironically, Boo Boo) bit 14 students and broke through their skin, includking skin on their arms and faces, and the students had to worry about catching rabies and poor Boo Boo was set to be euthanized.

However, thank heavens, Boo Boo didn’t have rabies, he now gets to live in a zoo, but who the hell knows if the students passed their finals.

Washington University, a nickel’s worth of free advice from me: Next time, just hold a damn pep rally.


I return to my college years. And the city of Cleveland answers back brilliantly

As you read this, I will  have returned to the scene of my years, 1993-1997.
For the first time in about 11 years, I’m back in Newark, Del. this weekend, visiting my wonderful college at Homecoming. Really, I’m going to see old, wonderful friends and my mentor, and to visit the campus that I haven’t seen in over a decade.
It’s so much of a cliche when people talk about college being the best time in their life. But it’s also so true. I had a marvelous four years at UD; it really was the perfect school for me. It was far enough away from my childhood (3 1/2 hours by car) but not too far if I wanted to go home.
I learned so much, and met so many fabulous people, many of whom are still important to me (Pearlman and I are sharing a room at the Howard Johnsons of Newark Saturday night. Hilarity will likely ensue.)
People mock Delaware, because it’s small and inconsequential to much of the rest of America. But on that campus, among those trees, I became so much of who I am today.
I had my views challenged, my mind opened up, and had some of the greatest experiences of my life on that campus.
I’m very curious to see what memories come flooding back. I’m such a different person than I was back then.
Mostly, though, I want to see if the Philly cheeseteaks at the E. Cleveland Sub Shop in Newark are still the best I ever had.
**So I hope you have all seen the brilliant Nike commercial starring LeBron James. It almost makes me like him again. Almost. Anyway, if you haven’t seen it, you can check it out here.
The people of Cleveland have seen it. And they put together this brilliant response video. So good:

The NCAA leaves the Tournament (basically) alone. A weird Nike commercial. And a baseball player who flew.

Well, color me surprised.

Ever since the NCAA poo-bahs floated the idea that they were thinking of expanding the NCAA men’s basketball tournament to 96 teams, I figured it was a done deal.

Never mind that it was a stupid, idiotic, why mess with success idea. One of the dumbest, craziest ideas the NCAA has ever come up with.

The Tournament is perfect, a wonderful three-week march to a champion. But money talks, so of course the NCAA was going to expand, take more TV money, and put more undeserving teams into the Big Dance.

As a diehard college basketball fan (you may have heard I like Duke), I was awaiting the inevitable: the destruction of March Madness as we knew it.

But well well well, the NCAA actually got one right. Thursday it was announced that the Tournament is only expanding by three teams, to 68.

I can live with that. Sure, a few more low-major schools like Winthrop and East Tennessee State will get screwed by having to play those stupid play-in games, but the Tournament’s beauty remains intact.

Much like Pat Forde on ESPN.com, I’m not sure if the NCAA actually did this because they listened to the howls of protest from fans and media, or they just scared us by threatening 96, without really meaning it.

Either way, I’m very happy with the outcome. Bravo, NCAA.

**So I was pretty puzzled by that Nike Tiger Woods commercial, and this one seems equally strange, but a little cooler and easier to understand. Athletes’ heads and hearts in different bodies while playing different sports. Pretty cool.

**Finally, how great is this slide by Fordham University baseball player Brian Kownacki in a recent game? Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

The kerfuffle over Marcus Jordan’s shoes, no love for A.C. Slater, and Karl Rove cracks me up


So the University of Central Florida basketball team pretty much exists in a vacuum. Local media barely care, national media, ha! The Knights have rarely gotten any attention.

Until now. A few months ago UCF, located in Orlando, signed a guard from Chicago named Marcus Jordan. Seems his dad was kind of an OK basketball player for the Bulls back in the day. Michael something, I think. Anyway, at the time Jordan signed, he asked UCF if it was OK if he continued to honor his father by wearing Air Jordan Nike sneakers. See, UCF has a contract with adidas that states all of its players will wear their sneakers, and in return for that the school will get a few million dollars.

UCF said it was OK. adidas, apparently said it was OK, too, at that time. Only now, not so much. Marcus Jordan wore Nikes during the Knights’ first game the other day, and presto! adidas has cancelled its $3 million contract with UCF.

This is one of those “Only in America” stories, I think. It reminds me of the great Olympic controversy of a few years back, when Shaq and other Reebok endorsers didn’t want to wear Nike warmups at the Olympics.

This may be even more ludicrous. How incredibly tone-deaf is adidas, not realizing how stupid and petty this makes them look? The kid is the son of the greatest player of all time! Who cares if he wants to honor his father?

Some people, including the excellent writer Ann Killion, have taken shots at Marcus, for putting himself before the team.

Me? I’m willing to chalk it up to the kid simply learning from his Dad, and not knowing any better. What Nike ought to do, as several others have pointed out, is come in as the knight in shining armor, and give UCF a Nike contract worth at least as much as what adidas was playing. They have a chance to look like the good guys in all this.

What a strange, strange story. Only in America.

***So maybe only people between the ages of 25-35 will get this, but here goes. I’m reading the celebrity blurbs in my newspaper this morning (the very fine Daytona Beach News-Journal, where yours truly has a big story today about a high school swimmer who’s gone through some serious health issue, not that I’m trying to plug my own work or anything), and I come across something about Mario Lopez.

And the blurb, taken from the AP wire, referred to Lopez as the “Extra” host and as a former “Dancing With The Stars” contestant.

And I’m going: Excuse me? No mention of “Saved By The Bell?” No mention of A.C. Slater, the man who stole Kelly Kapowski’s heart, and then Jesse Spano’s? No mention of the character who turned himself in during a very special Driver’s Ed episode, and helped the Bayside High football and wrestling teams to important victories?

Sigh. It’s a sad, sad day when Mario Lopez and “Saved by the Bell” aren’t even in the same sentence anymore. Ah, A.C.

***And finally today, nothing like a little Karl Rove to brighten my day. I wish I could chalk this article he wrote in the Wall Street Journal up to amnesia, but I don’t think that’s it.

Get this: The man who directed a President to spend more money, and waste more money, than anyone else in history, the man who sent us spiraling into some of the worst debt ever, now says we have to curb the runaway spending of the Obama administration.

My favorite line in this piece, which may break the record for Unintentional Comedy: “Tuesday’s results were the first sign that voters are revolting against runaway spending and government expansion.”

Rove warning against runaway spending is kinda like Jesse James telling those railroad conductors back in the day to watch out for thieves. Unbelievable, the chutzpah on this guy.