There is a lot of garbage on the Internet. But sometimes, you come across something so perfect, you’re just glad the Internet exists.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a Craigslist ad for a 1999 Toyota Corolla that went viral, it was apparently posted in 2018:
“You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.
The 1999 Toyota Corolla. Let’s talk about features. Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a fucking neck that can turn.
Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a shit and ignored it. It went away. The End.
You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would fucking start right up.
This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.
Things this car is old enough to do:
Vote: yes
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car
This car’s got history. It’s seen some shit. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a fucking Volkswagen would.
Interesting facts:
This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey.
In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.”
When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”
You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite tv show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms
This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.
When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”
Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The fucking 1999 Toyota Corolla.”
I mean… come ON! This is perfect. Absolutely 100 percent. I can’t tell you my favorite part, but OK maybe it’s “oil was listed as optional.” Or the part about beauty contests. So, so great.
Also? I had a 2004 Toyota Corolla and it was phenomenal.
**Next up, today is of course Memorial Day, and while I usually like to post a solemn video in this space on this day, I found this on Twitter this weekend and found it fascinating, on a possible origin of Memorial Day. From a veteran and author Kenny Akers:
“Did you know that around 1865, formerly enslaved individuals were paying tribute to Union soldiers in Charleston, South Carolina? In a city where almost all white residents had deserted, thousands of Black Charlestonians, many of whom were formerly enslaved people, took up the town and decided to honor the war’s significance. With the support of white missionaries, teachers, and remaining residents they organized an unforgettable parade on the racecourse where enslaved people were once held captive. The procession, led by 3,000 Black schoolchildren carrying roses and singing “John Brown’s Body,” was followed by Black women holding flowers, wreaths, and crosses.
“Black men from the Twenty-First U. S. Colored Infantry marched in formation alongside Union infantry and a mix of Black and white citizens who laid flowers on the graves at the racecourse. After the solemn ceremony, the crowd dispersed to enjoy picnics, speeches, and military drills on what would later become as we know it: Memorial Day. To historians, this event, believed to be the genesis of Memorial Day ceremonies, was initiated by African Americans as a ritual of remembrance and reverence following the Civil War. It wasn’t until 1868, when General John A. Logan called for national ceremonies, that Memorial Day began to take shape as a holiday. Finally, in 1971, Congress officially recognized Memorial Day as a federal holiday.”
**And finally today, Sunday was a pretty fantastic day. The family and I went to Central Park’s Summer Stage here in NYC for a New York Rangers Viewing Party, for Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals against Florida (spoiler alert: the Rangers won!).
It was a wonderful setup: If you pre-registered, you got on line and waited with thousands of others to get in, 90 minutes before the 3 p.m. game time. When we walked in, there were hundreds of Rangers blankets on the grass for us to sit on (one blanket to a family). There were concession stands selling food and drinks, alcohol stands, tons of fairly-clean port-A-pottys (yes I know that’s an oxymoron, but truly, they weren’t that bad, even my wife agreed), and lots of shady areas you could hang out in when the sun got too much.
There were 3 huge screens showing the game, and during intermissions and commercial breaks there were appearances by Rangers legends like Adam Graves and Mike Richter, T-shirt tosses, and even live performances from singer John Brancy, who does the anthem before most Rangers games at Madison Square Garden.
It was awesome, especially when the Rangers scored. What a fun day I hope my kids always remember.
Oh, and the Rangers are SIX wins away from a Stanley Cup. SIX!
Wide World of Stuff 